my daughter is lesbian

“…and then I said to him, ‘Willem, rather a gay child than a dead child.’”

If it is possible to have a serious expression whilst beaming with pride at the same time that was the expression on my mother’s face when she related the story to me. She stood up to a homophobic comment by a pretty conservative man on behalf of her son and many other mothers with gay children.

I love my mother dearly and love the fact that she is sometimes a P-FLAG group all by herself. But at times I really feel like shaking her a bit.

Ever since she decided that it was not bad having a gay son she has been going out of her way to change people’s perceptions about gay people. I guess on some level she feels it makes her a better Christian, and sure it makes her a great mom. But seriously, rather gay than dead? Now how was that supposed to make me feel?!

I am grateful that my mother is okay with me and loves me all the same and so on. But she’s never told me she is grateful that I accept her for being heterosexual. Hmm.

There are many other mothers out there like mine. Lovely ladies who’ve decided that their homosexual sons and daughters are actually just plain sons and daughters and there is no need to spend nights rolling around in bed wondering what they did wrong.

Most of these mothers go about their daily business and makes no big deal out of it. Which suits me fine.

But every now and then a mother surfaces with too much time on her hands who decides to write a book about her child being gay.

Lidia Theron is one such mother. In the March 30th 2006 issue of Huisgenoot (Afrikaans weekly general interest magazine) appeared an extract from her book Jy Bly My Kind (You are still my child).

This magazine, like the Femina, got flung against a wall.

The piece is full of stories about how happy Lidia was the day her daughter was born and how she had big dreams for her and what a lovely daughter she was. WAS. She set a good example for other students, performed well academically, and participated in extra-curricular activities. She participated in the church’s youth activities and was even a Sunday school teacher for a bit. A pretty ‘average’ girl it seemed (you can never tell, can you).

In Liesl’s (the daughter) second year the mother started noticing some changes. Her daughter was not so happy and friendly anymore. She did not look her mother in the eyes anymore and neither did her friends. Of this she says: “It was a kind of self-defense mechanism so people won’t detect that they are different. They were possibly also afraid that you would be able to see something in their eyes about their sexual orientation. Through avoiding eye contact, they would deter you from asking questions like, ‘What are you studying’… everyday questions you ask your child’s friends to make them feel at home in your house. Questions other friends would answer spontaneously. Deep inside they were just normal young people, but with something they wanted to hide from society.”

It’s the whole avoiding eye contact bit and the “deep inside they were just normal young people” bit that really irks me! What she does is making gay young people sound like complete freaks with no pride whatsoever. People who yearn to be normal deep inside of them, but who think they cannot be because of their sexual orientation.

Not looking people in the eye is not an exclusively homosexual trait!

Of course, after finding out her lovely daughter was dating another mother’s lovely daughter Lidia had a bit of a freak out. She felt hysterical and even wished her daughter were dead. At least that way they would get some sympathy out of the community.

Lucky for Liesl her mother came round after years of struggling with the shock, disappointment, and sadness. Unfortunately, she also found a publisher, desperate for something ‘shocking’ to publish.

Included in the 5-page spread are pictures of the daughter as a baby and young girl (no recent pictures) as well as recent pictures of the mom. In one she is posing with the producer of a well-known local soap opera and an actress from the soap.

How did she get to hang out with these celebrities?

Apparently she convinced the producer to give one of the two gay characters in the soap a mother who “…understands her son. If people are more informed, they might be less homophobic.”

I would like to know if they are going to include a mother for one of the white trash characters that are all over the show.

And I wonder if next they will include a snog scene between our two gay guys. As far as myself and another friend could figure out, the only affection the two has ever shown each other is a very manly slap on the arm.

But at least there is an understanding (and most irritating) mother figure.

Some might disagree with me, but I think what people like Lidia are doing is not really improving anybody’s life. Yes maybe she is creating awareness. But it is a very warped awareness.

It is an awareness where gay people are ‘different’ and unhappy with who they are. There lives are a constant struggle for acceptance and there parents go through hell and back before accepting them, if they do.

Some other friends of mine, gay and straight, also read this extract from her book, and not one of us saw the greater good in what she was doing. Most of us were just angered or annoyed by it. So I know I am not the only one who had such a strong reaction to it.

Almost as strong as her reaction to the news from her daughter that she was lesbian.

Thank you Lidia, for trying to make life more bearable for a certain part of the population, but maybe you should ask yourself if would you be writing a book about it when your second daughter comes to you one day and tells you, “Mommy, I am heterosexual.”